Today I find it hard to be away. I feel a little sick, like from a flu bug, and I miss my friends. That is life. I am exhausted from my four-class day. This semester is very different from last. I have gotten myself more social, and the academics are falling more and more onto what I am naturally good at than what I am able to produce for a given class. I am pulling lower grades. I am happy that time is passing and I will soon have a change, if even for a brief, few summer months. I will be back here next year and hopefully with better courses and more assurance in what I am doing. I do sometimes think this is a waste, but I know I will be somewhere I wasn't before I started.
It sucks though. I have been doing so much less actual activity that I enjoy on my own (knitting, drawing, writing for me [here])--sure I like the Internet, and wasting time on my computer, but the fact remains that my flicking mind is starting to adopt the type of inner dialogue that is everywhere on line. Do you know what I mean by that? I think it's characterized by a generic, upbeat but non committal, ageless, needlessly familiar tone, and it's always layered with such floppy humour. I am tired of it. I want to smoke and brood and cry. I don't want to be lazy and just passing. I want to be passionately failing: completing assignments early purely for me, so I can express myself truly and not based on chapters one through four at two in the morning the night before it's due. It's kind of a waste of everyone's time. I hope this is just a first year slump. I blame the intro courses to subjects I don't care about, but am forced to take for a BA. Next year will be much more of my own interest, and it will be getting more specific.
What else can I mention? I won't talk about each party, or each little piece of crazy weather, gossip, intimate detail. I am alive, but wrapped in routine. Healthy?--so it seems, aside from the cold, and need for sleep.
PEACE - Tristan
before || after
