To Aid An_ Cage

2011-11-23 - 10:49 a.m.

unsent letters 1
Read the first bpd article this morning in the bath. Not pleasant, but I can see myself in it. I can see too what you see of me. But in my defense I've never devalued you. I really do care deeply for you, but it ought not to hurt. I feel quite unattractive.

My texts last night read like whimpering. So sorry. My feelings, they can't be love. It does indeed feel like illness. I've been trying to call my GP for a long while, but haven't been able to get through. It's always busy, or they're on two hour lunch. I'm going to keep trying today and make an appointment for a physical, and I'll ask for his help seeking a proper psychologist. I'm suddenly much less against medicating. I'd rather take medication than be in another crisis.

I'm terrified meeting my father will do that, put me in crisis. Our sushi date coincided with word from my sister that she'd set up a visit with him. I want to be there to support her and also to meet the man once again, but I'm not sure what to do. The last time I saw him, at my sister's wedding, I cried uncontrollably. I had to leave the reception until Jenn could comfort me back to some semblance of composure.

Lastly, I looked at Sean's page again. Probably not smart, but this is part of my life suddenly. I didn't particularly like his Ted talk, but he does seem very strong and accomplished. I've spent my days foolishly it seems, and I must confront what I've run from: me.

before || after

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