To Aid An_ Cage
2004-03-04 - 11:29 a.m.
the next day
I went to visit my grandfather late in the last day. I had confronted my mother with my tears and spoken of many things. I am her brother and her father and her lover. I told her I felt pained that I had refused her Christmas gift of a winter jacket and that in the moment I would have chosen otherwise. We bonded strongly, as I had bonded with my father the day before. We are like brother and sister in the same ways as we are like mother and son, but our love is pure. She acknowledged in some way that, because her brother had not born fruit, I may not bear fruit. She fed me a meal of strength for my days work. I told her I was going out, but didn't tell her where. She gave me a ride to a subway station. I got out and walked up to a door, but the door would not open. I walked around to the one that would and entered the upper station. The stairs I accomplished with an ease. I sat up on the banister and slid down the first set, then half the second, finishing with a couple of two step leaps, and the third I just flew down. My mother was kind enough to lend me her metro pass, so that the burden of fair would be understood. I was wearing much the same as I had been the day before, but today I was aware of my uncle's underwear, which I was wearing with comfort.
I had eaten, but felt weak. I boarded the tool that travels the subway--the womb worm. In my pockets, aside from my regular burdens, I carried the last orange and a five cent piece of ginger I had carried for some time. I had nothing to read. I had nothing to listen to. I was just sitting underground and traveling towards my grandfather. I carried myself from the exit of the last stop to the beginning of the first, and got on the next train. I remembered my orange and got it out to peel. There were many people on the train and I realized that this is what was happening. I peeled my orange and nibbled my ginger. A woman across from me was eyeing my orange so I made eye contact with her and pointed down to a segment which I would allow her to have if she so asked, but she refused and laughed out loud in a gentle way that eased my pain. On her exit from the train, she arose and confronted me with my generosity, saying she appreciated my offer but was unable to share my fruit. I understood. A woman to my left asked me to tell her if her bag bothered me when it hit me accidentally. I said ok and I understood.
The transfer to another train was interrupted by my desire to relieve myself. I entered the relief womb and leaked with my brothers. The next train would be my last, so I moved towards it�a long ride west. I moved across the land in a seated position; resting my body while my mind raged in war. My arrival was my departure. I walked through the underground to the surface, where I remembered the path my grandmother showed me and took it to the surface where I was reborn. I took in the air. Walking, I became aware of my desires and addressed them in the shade of a grove of trees where I marked my path. I circled the building and entered through the front, where I gave my name to the man at the counter and he called up to their apartment. On I go; to the elevator and up to the fourth floor where I turn to see my grandmother and walk towards her. It is a pleasant surprise for them. I enter with love and confront my grandfather with my tears. We move to another room to talk. I sit with my grandmother and my grandfather and read to them from the moment of my confrontation with my father and know it to be my path; great joy and great pain�the weight of the awareness of my own actions as I pass through this world or forget that I am passing through. My grandfather is passing through. I look into his eyes where my reflection stares at me with love. We talk of many things. I get ahead of myself and falter in my expressions of arrogance to my creator. As if I could still not accept my work. Out Satan! I look over at my grandmother and she winks and I know all is good. I am pained and joyed. My grandfather has offered to share a beer with me. The glass is by my side, then half empty, then gone. I understand. We talk about religion, and my interest in theology, or the archetypes of the story of creation. I realize what my actions are a part of, and also who I am in this moment. I rise to relieve myself. When I reenter the room, I sit beside my grandfather as I sat beside my father and kiss him on the cheek as I embraced him and put my hand on the back of his neck. We talk about the saxophone and his own experiences with a clarinet at an early age. I have cried so much already that the moment is relieved only through my actions now. I breathe in his air and look at his face�much older than my father's and mine, before rising and resuming my seat across from him. The ritual has moved through time. My grandmother has a tear in her eye, but she talks to me of many things to keep my mind away from my pain. I wear my uncle's underwear, and will not bear my father's pain to my own son. She is my grandmother, and my mother, and my wife, and my sister, and my daughter. I look in her eye and know her. I am reflected wholly. We pass through time. My grandfather feels tired, so he rises with caution and I rise with him. We meet and embrace. We meet eyes in that moment, and he says he feels a great burden has been lifted from him, as he feels it has been lifted from me. I tell him that is why I came and kiss him again and tell him I love him. He loves me too. He turns and leaves for his bed and I look to my grandmother. I am waiting to get in touch with my friend Liam. I wish to rest upon the shoulders of my brothers, so that they may rest upon me. I sit down and talk further with my grandmother. We look at the art and see the many stories of creation. We look at each other and see ourselves. She tells me that man and woman are always disagreeing in their choices in art. I can hear my grandfather brushing his teeth in the bathroom. I rise to call Liam and he is home. We make plans and I get ready to leave. I am passing through my life, and my confrontations with my father and my grandfather have given me a new sight of which I am grateful for. A new burden rests upon my shoulders and I am grateful for it as well. I accept it. My confrontations have been good. We have all waited a long time. I feel real ease. I make ready for my departure. I mumble that my arrogance is only my fear. My coat and scarf and sweaters which my grandmother took from me at my arrival are placed on my back again. Their burden is heavy but comfortable now. I kiss my grandmother and tell her I love her. My responsibility to my own peace is clear, but quick fading. The moment is passing as it is becoming. My memory is all I have, and these writings on it, which are as impermanent. I leave and walk back through the hallway to the elevator, back down to the man at the front�who I speak to briefly to acknowledge his presence. I walk back out along the path my grandmother showed me before, and am back on the subway and heading to now.
I meet up with Liam and Jonny at Jonny's work where he is suffering. I'm glad I can be there. I sit and talk and Liam enters soon after and we sit and talk and acknowledge many things. My brother Phats is here, but he looks away from me. My eyes must be a burden. I share them with my brothers Jonny and Liam; they are kind. My brother Yawn makes me a sandwich and it gives me strength. My brother Jonny gives me cranberry and it is the blood of the earth and I drink. Water is shared. I give of myself to my brothers as they have given to me. Time passes and I talk further with my brother Liam. We share more water. The people around us are passing away. We descend and bear witness to Jonny's confrontation with his brother/manager Julian. We cannot rule each other without pain. We cannot work without pain. We cannot feel the joy of the fruits of our labours without pain. I do not want to see my father in my best friend anymore, as I have seen my father and it was good. I tell him that I will share in his burden when it comes to him and he knows it to be true as it is being spoken. I love all my brothers as I have loved my father and grandfather. We are all the same diamond being endlessly cut and recut by our own jewelers. Somehow we leave. The night is fresh and wet with the sky's tears. I taste them. We walk to the car and enter and drive towards my brother's Dylan and Sean's. We smoke and it is good. I am eased from my arrogance. My mind is freed in some way. We arrive and watch the television laugh with our brother's. We go out to the shed and talk further while playing with our toys. We roll the green giants in our hands. We talk of many things and of nothing. My unacceptance is my acceptance, something is coming, but I will ignore it until I acknowledge it. We exit to smoke by a school so that we may teach ourselves of many things. We talk nonsense. We imitate other people we have seen. We walk down to the beach and I walk with my brother Jonny, side by side. He senses something coming to pass and flinches around it. I place my hands on his shoulders and he is eased. We walk further and talk of the moment as it is being created around us. I am glad to talk to him, but I see my grandfather. There was much I had forgotten and now remembered. I thanked him for easing my burden and accepting my awkwardness. I told him I loved men, and he told me I love women as well. We walked further and I enjoyed my time with my brother Jonny, who has been many things for me and always a friend, but I do not want to see my grandfather in my best friend's eyes anymore, as I have seen my grandfather and it was good. The moment was arriving. We said goodbye to our brothers Dylan and Sean. We got in the car and headed homeward. We talked further. I could see it opening up as it came to pass. My breathing changed and my body contorted into orgasm as it was released. My brother Liam held my hand tight as my father will, and my brother Jonny placed his head on my head so that I may know his will. Time passed and I writhed. Conscious only that I knew the end would come and I would move past it and forget the pain of it and remember only the joy. I asked if they acknowledged what had come to pass, knowing they would both see and not see. I shared Liam's water, that I may drink of his tears. I drank again.
At home, I went in to kiss my mother, who was sleeping. She told me Ashley had called and I felt eased. I am passing and choose not to bear the suffering beyond myself. I went to sleep without brushing my teeth. I slept and began this day again.
PEACE - Tristan
PS - I called my grandparents apartment at 3:44 pm by the clock on the oven in my kitchen in my home with my mother. The line picked up but I heard only faintly the noise of a television in the background. I said my peace and hung up.
PSS - At 4:06, by the clock on my computer that I type from. I ejaculated my father and grandfather's seed in the waste paper basket I have ejaculated in before. I refuse the burden of child. At the exact moment of ejaculation the phone rang. I finished my dirty business as it rang again and picked it up. The line was dead. 'SO this is nothingness, and good day to you.'
before || after
