Every action has a consequence, both immediate and over time. I knew the immediacy, but this time thing bites into my savings. I hope I am not the only one who has been educated by this. I got a lame apology from the girl who locked me out, and I heard that my PL pushed them to help pay for it, but noone has offered any help. I am as alone as I was in that cold hallway with the glass between me and the pointing, laughing visitors. I am in the zoo--solitary confinement. I get my vegetarian meal and my cup of tea. If it wasn't for the genuine pleasure and escape I find in my work, I would be so much further from happy. I am getting too into the drama of writing this. I'm sorry. It isn't so bad as all that solitary confinement crap. I think I may have even garnered a little respect, but it is as fleeting as any grain. The task now lies in how to hold myself; how to respond to further pushes and punches. I can't get as emotional as I am inclined to. I need to step back and make rational and reasonable inquiries of the people confronting me. I need to see them as the petty tyrants they are. I need to use them to grow away from my self importance. All the fucking that came earlier has to be put to bed if I want to avoid breeding more encounters with whatever put my shoulder through the glass door instead of walking me to the other room to sit down and wait their joke out. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to see 'Sin City' for that second time; that Marv character is quite the role model. Enough.
I am coming home tomorrow. I am travelling all day, but sleeping at home. I am uncomfortable all over. Last year left me with homelessness that extends beyond having a place to lay my head and heart. I am scared to spend the night with all those memories. I am scared to be afraid. I think it will go well as long as I keep my mind on the tasks at hand and dive head first into my return to this place--hell or heaven. I miss Ashley. I often type to her and for her. Hopefully I will see her in town. I read her last entry and know who it is that called her. I know her every breath of it. She is so safe right now--so wrapped in her own content. I think it will be great when we have all escaped those childhood houses and can set up our own wombs. To get together earnestly for food and drink and fun. I am lost in this strange dream.
LOVE - Tristan
before || after
