My Mother:

Tania came over that night, and in the basement I was naked and being taken through the yoga-mystic-meditative exercises that she walked me through. My mother, in my mind, and a mother in a deeper sense than the one whose eyes I was witnessing turn. I was at a point where truths would pop into my head that were thoughts normally speculated and tucked away for later ponder, but now would be accepted as silent knowledge I was opening up to. Tania was my original mother in my head at that time, or that�s what I had to accept to open myself up to a point where I would accept her guidance without question, dogmatically. I saw her as the source of a place in me that I was yearning for�a Peace and state of bliss and acceptance. She had pot. The doctors said not to, but I had seen it as a blessing for so long, and more intensely so in the past months that I was tempted to smoke it again, but she was not sure of its affect on me in the state I had invited her in to witness in me so we didn�t. My mother came home and started a fire. She brought a film home I had wanted to see in total called �Baraka.� I walked up from the basement and (I�m not sure if it is safe to recollect this, but I want to anyway. I have a doctor�s appointment tomorrow and I will share this with him.) she saw me naked and yelled at me. I ran down to Tania and sat hugging her knees as my mother rushed down. I had a moment of clear headedness in which I realised where I was, who I was and what I was doing, and got up to put some clothes on. Everyone relaxed and we watched the movie all three together. I had three distinct and clear views of the film, one from each of them plus my own, but I found myself always leaning towards and embracing Tania�s. They both made side comments about the piece. After the film I somehow ended up in the living room sitting and talking with my mom about being naked or something. Her eyes were black balls. She was wearing black for work. I stripped naked right in front of her and she got visibly and audibly upset, standing up. I stood up and ran for the door, as I had done one night when I was young and she had thrown a knife at me that hit my leg and made a slight cut. I had run down the block and lost my breath, so I ducked behind a tree and when she had left in her car to come find me, I circled back and got my blades and bladed to Matt�s house. This time I was naked and seeking release and growth and understanding in a psychotic way. I flew out the door and she caught me as I was going through the glass door, falling, tumbling onto the bricks in a heap. As we fell from the door�s frame, she screamed the most piercing and horrid scream I have ever heard outside of films. I ripped out and up, leaning over her to grab her and look her in those black eyes. I kissed her on the lips and said�I can�t remember clearly, but it had a goodbye tone in it. I ran out and down on yada yada the rest is so lucid and unclear and ever changing that it is not worth tearing into my mind for. The point of the recollection is to make note of the black eyes that are portrayed and written of as demonic in most Christian texts of possession, and the scream that is what Emily vocalised during her exorcism, and the fact that I got out and released myself from the house and went out to the woods. There is some other crazy shit I could get into that happened that night, after I got back from the hospital and into bed. I couldn�t sleep; I only saw eyes on the blacks of my lids. I got out of bed once and went down to the basement where Tania and I were that night. I did the same exercise and farted this time, where as the first time I thought I was going to shit myself. On my way up to my room, I noticed that the candle in my mother�s room had gone out. I got out of bed at sunrise and went into this strange zombie-like state to walk to my mother�s room. At this point I thought I was the sun god in ancient Egypt and my mother was actually a �mummy� or in my mind what the Egyptians used to bury with their dead kings to look after them, or something that made complete sense in my mind at the time. I had my eyes closed, but I opened them when I reached the threshold of her room, and she rolled over and looked at me with those black eyes and I ran back to my bed afraid. The sun had risen, and I took solace in that, knowing somehow that everything was alright in the day. A lot of shit happened that day on my way to the Clarke, but that is all that is relevant to this exorcism line. The fact is that at the end of the movie I felt validated in feeling like I had felt possessed, but had actually helped to exorcise my mother of something. The actuality of this is that my recollection is stranger once explored than I can care to comment on. It gets deeper into some things that I don�t know if they connect. On the other side of it, where I am typing from, I feel in some ways that the path of light blinded me to my steps through an incredibly dark series of moments, and that things took place in that time, like exorcisms, that are unclear to me but that I have faith in their validity amongst my life experience and world views.
What else? My mother was dealing with my sister�s absence for her studies. That feeling of her daughter gone may have been terribly hard on her, and maybe that had permeated into my psychosis on a completely unconscious level and caused me to act out an insanely dramatic flight into another mind-world (myself dealing with growing up and not being adult enough to take the actual steps to leave the nest). The exorcism comes from pushing my mother into accepting the moment in her life, where her children grow up and become themselves, but also showing her that we can return and require her help, as I did for sure when I came back out of it and left the hospital, and also come back with love as adults, as I feel I do now. An aside is my movement into the place of no pity (Castenada) at some point, where I believed I had lost my mother and world and ran from the hell I saw in its stead.
After the black-eyes-naked-running-zombie-walk thing, I saw my mother once again with those eyes, but Jonny was with me and it seemed somehow okay that he was there, even if at the time I felt like I had failed in something. I looked from his angelic greens to my mother�s blacks and then was carried back to my room. The next time I saw my mother, her eyes were their normal brown beautiful and I was nuts. Time has passed and I�m looking back in bewilderment at the futility of making any kind of rational sense of it all. Good old Castenada is getting me through. It all worked out to bring me back to myself, which is the best outcome for me mentally, even if I wanted to be reborn brighter, and was terrified of a darker existence. My relationship with my mother is the best ever, but it is harrowing to recall that time between us.

What was black and white about the film was the fight between science and spirituality, or the trial between them. My own experience brings me to a place of peace and the balance between both that brought me out of my �possession.� I was on the medication after it all went down, and I pulled out of it somehow, and yes I did crave a more spiritual convalescence, but that is largely because I never did well in science, and am definitely more mystical in my views of truth. The sad part is that Emily died. The two were shown to work against each other in her and she didn�t pull out of it. God exorcised her from the Earth. HA!