Toked, smoked, spoken of in poetry, prose, words of those respected, touched, smelled, rolled, tasted, distracted, enlightened, It's all so real, so numb, so dumb, so easy to find, to ease my mind, encountered all over, in schools, in homes, in poems, I thought I was right, I thought I was strong, I thought I was taking steps forward, rewarding myself for surviving my bland childhood, not understood that it was the beginning of the start of the worst part, the heart raced when I munched, and crunched, I punched through a wall that was placed there to fall, the funnest, the fungus, the birth of psychedelia, psilocybia, I blew my mind on an afternoon, evening, night, and the fright, and the fallacy, I can't see reality, I can't see where I live part time, evenings and week-ends, all thought of sleep ends when it kicks you in the balls, the walls didn't melt till I dropped, I popped, I stopped thinking, stopped caring, started seeing with a different set of eyes that were just pupils, and always falling out, my grades failing, but I attended a different school, a school I no longer needed but desired, I was inspired, I drew, I wrote, I was given thought hugs, thought drugs where helping me, loving me, and I loved them, but the pace quickened, the haze thick and stained with need, growing need, I need power, empowering drugs, smiles, faces beaming and melting, welcome to here, now, sick, quick, slow fusion of me and you, fusing mind, body, your mine, body finding new ways of expression, experiencing, finding, it's new!, it's clean!, it's the same love, I love it, guts ripping but it feels so right, so good, great God, I feel like Him, Her, She knows, It knows this, me, fast and feeling good, bad, pins in face, eyes, muscles tender, tight, pulsing, my brains on fire, hot, burning through me, drugs, dirt, shit in mouth, what is this? where am I? out, in, which are you? cool, cold, freezing time with my mind, I love it, it hates me, it hurts me, it's hurting me! ... a voice, voices, calling, teasing, come with me, choose me, become me, NO!

white, clean, safe, clear, mother, home, peace, life, slow, easy

out, black, blackout, snap out, break, drink some water, drink some of this, piss it out, neck throbbing, spine throbbing, brain throbbing, it hurts and you love it, but it hates and it hates you, why are you going down? come back up, out stretched arm, hand, palm full of feces, fungus, bowl full of barf, bud, thank you, I needed that, tongue out, lick, suck, writhe on floor, through door of perception, black hallway, black eyes, bottomless wells, pupils swell, that's how you tell, outstretched hand empty, gone, eaten, eating me now, now your feeling it, kicking, screaming, now I'm feeling it! breathing, breath, exhale, inhale, lungs weak, walls breathing, bleeding walls, bleeding lungs, blood red, lime, silver dogs barking, my feet hurting, pain returning, rotting guts, stomach aching, brain fried, fries with that? plastic, electric, bright, hunger, I'm hungry, gotta eat to fill that stomach up, empty pocket, five fingers, four, three, two, run, into the sun, into the blaze...

The haze returns, and I don't feel good. I never did drugs,son, they did me.

... and there she goes. If you can picture me reading that, like Allen Ginsburg, dressed in a tux (with my bowler hat on) while Liam dances behind around around the spotlight and stripping me of my tux only to replace it with tattered bum rags, then you can begin to see what I presented as my docudrama. Hope you can appreciate the immense relief, as well as the immense grief, that I'm feeling right now, and understand that if high school is a microcosm of life, then leaving high school is like dying. I'm glad this journal could brighten your day. That's all for now.

PEACE - Tristan