To Aid An_ Cage
2002-12-16 - 10:17 a.m.
odd_frame(of_mind)
my mind has changed in subtle and dynamic ways. I feel the weight of time pressure cooking key areas of my brain like rice. It isn't always painful, but sometimes it is. I've been connecting with depression, which is not so strange a feeling these days. I've been getting the feeling that plagues most teens when they get to these moments. I've been feeling trapped. There is something I've been noticing more and more recently--different parallels that draw their own conclusions through existence. I see them everytime I pour little orange and red geometric shapes into my dogs food bowl--everytime I enter a bathroom routine of wash face+brush teeth, or try and solve a problem mathematically. The domestication is thick inside me, but I am becoming aware of the stupid tricks I've been taught. How many years of school--like a massive, overpopulated training compound? How many closed and clothed moments have I subjected myself to? I am having such a hard time even writing this! Like I can't communicate--like writing is just another stupid trick. I wish I had learned other things. I wish I was free to be a wild animal again. I feel caught and beaten. Thrown into a spectale of a zoo. I wish I still had fur and a tail. I wish I could use brain power to understand different food cycles and how I can be a sustainable part of them. It has been a long time since I've felt truly naked. It has been a waste of this time to live in this way, though I guess it provides this future. I am still moving through time. I guess I just feel really empty and alone, which I guess stems from the work I'm subjecting myself to for the sake of my short film. The character is a dark and sad one. I feel dark and sad. Next year will be brighter. PEACE - Tristan
before || after
