I woke up and first off wrote the letter to my Dad. That was tough, but the bulk of the work of the day was the communication. While I was writing the letter, I got a call from my best friend Liam, who has beared a lot of the pain I've refused my father. I was crying on the phone, but he understood. We made plans to meet half way for a smoke. I finished the letter and sent it, with a BCC to my sister. I've gotten closer to her as I've been reaching out for support in this. I got ready to leave and called Liam, he said where we should meet. Of course I had forgotten to eat, and so dilly dallied a while longer, then left to meet him. He had the dogs with him at the park. We talked for a bit and I tried to share my insides as best I could with him. My father's pain has a lot to do with his empty silent crying and feeling like he has noone to confide his secret loves in, much like I mirror.

It was nice to meet half way, as if on equal terms. I always dress like a woman and he had his hair up in two pony tails at the side of his head like a girl. The dogs were there. I was feeling more free of myself and my love. There are so many pains I have caused with my lack of understanding of myself and my father. I used to not be able to bond with male dogs, because they sensed my unease around men, but today I was able to reach out and opennly give my love to Luca, who was unable to refuse. It felt good to bond with him, as if I understood just a little more. We walked past some police, me with my gay outfit and tears streaming down my face, and Liam with his ponytails. The dogs were walking very proudly under Liams command, and when we passed the police Luca reared up and pushed me from Liam's side to let me know that it was his duty to guard Liam from the feelings of apprehension that I'm sure Luca sensed from his bond with Liam. Each moment of creation seems like such a beautiful expression when I look at it a certain way with a certain amount of love in me.

Before I move on. I felt certain that I must be conscious of the pain my love brings when it comes. My bond with Genesis, the beautiful female dog that is Luca's life partner and who I havn't even mentioned in the scene, was very close. She always gave me lot's of love and attention, but I sensed pain in her when I gave some of my love to Luca, so I tried to address that pain. I want to excell at consciousness; isn't that beyond my grasp and yet what I am constantly achieving?

My next actions were regarding my transcripts and the acquiring of them. I got on the bus and headed to wexford. My discman cut out and I had no batteries and no attention to read the book I brought with me. I was pretty much sitting alone in my head full of tears. I didn't feel like crying on the bus, so I had to keep pulling my mind away from the wound it wanted to keep itching. AT wexford I avoided too much confrontation. I got my transcript from the guidance office, and talked to a few people on my way out. I saw Barb quickly walk out of sight at having seen me, which was interesting. I need to address that at some point. I bumped into Mark Stefansky and felt bad I hadn't bonded with him any more than I had, even though he seems to look up to me with some kind of respect. I'd like to spend more time talking to him, as he mirrors me at his age in some way. As does the film student I've bonded with whose name escapes my slight memory. I left and endlessly travelled alone and in a weary way to the CBC building where I studied film for one year. When I arrived, my transcript was not present, so my trip had been in vain of that purpose, but the trip should be noted I sat in silence the whole way. The usual avenues of noise and book were cut out by my desire to sit in myself and listen to the endless expressions that flowed. This is the time I should be bonding with my father, so it sucks that I am bonding with myself alone. I need to confront my demons, being the spectre of an evil archetype known as the stepmother. And by confront I mean express the issues of lack of love. This is my winter journey that blows me out to spring and what dreams may come in summer.

The long trip home to an empty house was hard, but I accepted it. The tears as I checked to see if my father had responded to my e_mail were difficult to appreciate, but I accepted them, and when I saw Bryan and Talia on msn, I accepted that this time should be used to talk to these two people that I have neglected. It felt good to reiterate my bond with them in some small way, by expressing my suffering. It was good that they couldn't see my tears, because those are for my next move of confrontation. They will work with me to ease my trip through the small holes in my life and hopefully fill them with love.

It felt good to blow into my horn when I finally did. I do still need to practise much more, and I can address that easier after addressing this. I think the lows have been seen in the day, and the ways have been gleened from the highs. This is my life, one entry at a time. There is so much I cannot share, but it is my lifes work.

PEACE - Tristan