Kirsten and I had a fight. A pretty major one. I walked out in an emotional state after an hour of confrontation. I don't know what to stand on. I don't want to fuck this up, but I don't know what I could be fucking up other than something beautiful and passing. I care for her so much. Enough to get myself worked up into a dead end display. I just don't want to believe that good things can't come from incredibly good feelings. She has been so committing even through her own fear to commit. She has given me so much beautiful love and attention. I don't know why I can't just accept that and keep on loving her. I am swimming in my insecurities and I guess that my fear of falling is what causes my fight to cling to the lonely peak. I could fall to the jungle floor and happily inhabit her outstretched limbs, but I don't trust that her arms will catch me, and I don't trust that the winter won't strip her of her loving leaves and force me on a cold climb back up that cliff face--so much harder when I'm broken.
If it means anything to either of us than it will work out and work, but if we are both too scared...
Sometimes I feel like we are just practicing for a real committed relationship with all the talk and feel. If it doesn't work out it will just be an end to something with someone we each were seeing, and she will have Mike to go back to and be with, and I will have nothing--no one. I guess I feel like I am the more vulnerable one--that I have more to lose, and I'm frightened.
PEACE - Tristan
before || after
