I had my first appointment with dr. Paps since I have been back in town yesterday. It went so much better than expected. I talked about everything and was open and honest, so I didn't have to lie like I thought I would. He explained the ODSP theory and cleared my mind of any guilt as long as I remain honest with my earnings. We talked about medication and I admitted that I havn't been taking the pills regularly for two months (but I figure it has been more like six). I told him I have only been taking them to get a good nights sleep. He admitted that the drug levels in my blood would be non therapeutic at this point and that everything was really good considering that. He asked what I wanted to do and I told him I would like to be prescribed for the 2.5mg's and decide then wether or not I would take them. I took one last night and had a 13 hour sleep marathon that involved a dream about forgetting Christmas and having to run around and get gifts. I was in a store that sold Native crafts and I was looking at this sweatshirt that had a red face mask and red feathers and it zipped up and it was really stupid, but I was looking at it and thinking about getting it for my grandmother. I didn't. It was strange. I could have slept all the way through to my hair cut appointment at five, but I got up with disgust at wasting my day. I'm not sure that I will try to keep up with the medication. Part of me wants to as a safety blanket, but so much of me wants to be cold and alive.

That is it. Kirsten and I is a more private story, but things are doing better, I feel, than before.

I get the internet soon at my place. I am considering giving up the diaryland experience. I want to concentrate my writing on another format than journal entries. Plus half of my entries are not even able to be accessed anymore, which probably means I would have to pay to get them, and if I'm thinking about giving it up, I would not begin to pay for it.

PEACE - Tristan