Green Room with Ash, Zips, Carts, many people. My coming exodus to the hermitage of Katimavik. Joni Mitchell's 'Hejira' easing me into the road and the feelings of life's journey, while breeding catharsis into the previous year's loss within inner space. Travelling--being alone while being together with a group. My group coming together and struggling under the program's expectations of itself. Forgetting the sense of abandonment I felt the universe turn onto me, and loving life again. Walks in the park, drinks in the dark, knitting with Georgina. Georgina and Sam, who first showed me what it meant to live in love and peace. The first pair of socks I made myself slipping on over my feet and feeling me for the first time. The gifts from Bernie, Clarence, and Evelyn. The new friends from Cheticamp and Margaree County. Seeing how the youth culture is unescapable even in this far away place. The drinking parties with people more real than I had met like that. Hacking butts again with Candace in the cold and buying her packs of her brand, the old Export Golds I used to like to choke down in highschool. Four-wheeling for the first time up and around the hills of Cheticamps' west-coast-of-cape-breton Cabot Trail. Knitting my second pair of socks in the Acadian colours with Shay's yellow stars, and giving them to Sam with wet eyes. Jenn N. for too short, and me still quiet in my own weird way--unsure of my clothes and attitude and love. The gift of Jeff Buckley and 'Grace.' The first listen on my bunk and my melt into him forever. The Gampo Abbey visit, and the fermenting desire to return there for something. Ashley McIssac coming to play the tavern, and Rebecca's show. The rotation camp blossom of Krista, and goodbye.
Hello Weyburn, SK. Breaking the glass door, working the most satisfying job with the holiest people. Making friends in Kenya. Buying the LE of 'Live at Sin-e' in Regina. Drinking alone down by the dirty river. A light crush on a cute girl to help coast. A dark night of drinking mixed with a mistaken assumption of interest, and the four days passing before the breakdown. My release. My night in Regina with Greame and my return home too ruptured to see right. Finally seeing right and moving on. The trip out to Temagami and remembering the peace. The K cup overflowing, then breaking and being glued together again numerous times, but never washed clean. Moving in with Ben in the midst of my relationship with K. Finding that while I have been alone for so long, I am unable to hold my own when my emotions are opened. Getting tested for the first time. Getting lost in a codependent fog. Leaving the meds behind finally, after more than a year of taking them. My doctor giving me that choice and my taking of it. Andrew's death and viewing and funeral. My introduction to J, who lived so shortly but went out with a bang. Quitting smoking for the second time. The trip to New York with Carter and so many others, my immediate dismissal of its romance, and my falling in love with it anyway. Robert's horrifying death, and the funeral for him. Josefina, my first feline finally named, my growing love for her, and her growth and maturation in such a short time. Downloading everything Buckley, and buying it too. All the bootlegs I can find, his father's voice, rarities.
My relationship with my computer evolving, my understanding of it increasing, and my being called a geek for it. My relationship with N evolving, then falling back into a puddle of ooze with two distant hearts beating, and no rhythm to be heard. Fixing off it getting to me. Finding my community. Desiring the reclusion of a distant school's four year program earnestly. Home again for Christmas with a full head, but finding it to be a truly holy one in all it's lost feeling of mystery. Going Gold and figuring out how to unlock my older entries, deciding on my next purely personal project of archiving my diary to DVD with VO readings of each entry. Saying goodbye to N again. Liz's scissors and a fresh intro to a new number. Liam moving in, waiting for Liam to show up now, invitation for the new dawn.
PEACE - Tristan
before || after
